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Blogs

Jealousy

Nov 1

Written by: anon111
11/1/2009 12:28 PM 

Do you ever just feel that some people you know are jealous of you? There are these set of "crazy" people who just take the jealousy to another level.
How do you handle it? I've been getting the feeling often nowadays and most of the times its fine because people are sane and they just respect you for your talents or abilities and maintain that level of human decency, but then, there are these crazy people who really push the envelope. So, getting down to the point... I have a cook who has been with our family for the past 10 years. And all this while, he has waged a silent war of insults against me. Its not anything you'll notice on the surface. He behaves very normal with everyone else and cooks very good food. However, when it comes to me, because I have always taken things for their face value and not coated anything that's wrong with people just because they cook good food... he has taken the strain of jealousy to another level. So, the first time he behaved like this I was shocked.. he had outrightly insulted me, my whole being. And I had no idea what I had done wrong, I had no idea why the hell he was behaving like this.. Now, I AM a good person, so I went back and thought it must be my fault. I mean noone will misbehave with another human being unless they were provoked right? So, I changed the entire person I am. And I mean entirely, my parents could not recognise who I was, my teachers in school (this happened around the 11th grade) were constantly dispapointed that I was behaving differently and I further tortured myself mentally and physically because I thought it was my fault.However, as soon as I changed (and I changed by becoming a very quiet, distant but very very difficult person to deal with ) he acted all normal... and was oh-so cautious around me! He mocked me, insulted me, and everytime I broke out of my "fake persona" that I had created.. and stuck up for my dignity which he would have subtely attacked without anyone noticing... he'd behave oh-so good, and all doe-eyed.. like "what did I do?" "see the way she's behaving so mean and so unproportionally angry with me" . This was very frustrating, and maybe the right thing to do was stick up for my morals and my dignity. But, for 10 long years, this silent mental torture continued. I'd occassionally burst out of my shell and complain to my parents.. but since there was never any proof that he had misbehaved with me... guess who looked like the fool every single time.. ME. So, these past few weeks, I've removed the coloured glasses I've been wearing and I see the cook for who he really is. I've learnt the true difference between right and wrong. And I know that what he's done is wrong. So I've stopped putting up with it. And thats pushed him off the edge I think. I honestly feel that he's mentally unstable.

Since my being being myself has insulted him in someway. I don't think he can deal with it. So I'm doing everything I can to just stay away from him, not talk to him etc. ...I mean I get that being ordered around by someone younger to you is not pleasant . So I do my bit. I hardly even look at him, talk or interact with him in anyway. But, this whole thing is just taking its emotional toll on me ...since he has been with the family for the past 10 years! Doesnt he have any sense of loyalty, or respect towards me? It has been a very emotionally tiring 10 years.

So the bottom line being... please tell me that there is a more fair and rational world out there. That somewhere in all this muck that is human emotions, there are people who will truly appreciate and be happy for the person you are and admire your success. I've been hurt and I have hurt my parents ... and now I feel that withdrawing into a shell and being less than a person I am never solved any problem. It in fact made it worse, by encouraging him to think the way he was behaving is right, and in the process hurting everyone I truly value and treasure feel miserable... and not even know why I was behaving the way I was.

Please tell me how to deal with jealousy and how to keep my head above water not to merely float ... but to swim, succeed and win!

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